Keeping Our Children Happy

Having happy children is the ultimate goal of parents, because happy children make the atmosphere of the home pleasant for all. And so we try to find the best ways to make our children happy.

Our earthly families are patterned after God's heaven family in many ways. And God's ultimate desire is to make His children happy. But, as we realize, we are not nearly as wise as our heavenly Father, and many things we think would make us happy would actually harm or destroy us. So God provides us with guidance, instruction, rules and discipline, for our own benefit.

Listening to God's instructions and following His plan brings us the ultimate happiness in life. He disciplines us because He loves us. “ My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD, Nor detest His correction; For whom the LORD loves He corrects, Just as a father the son in whom he delights.” Proverbs 3:11,12. We can truly see God's love for us in the way He nurtures and disciplines us into becoming obedient children.

This is also what we must do for our children, if we want them to achieve true happiness, and to mature into adulthood according to God's desire for them.

Just as there is a temporary false happiness in following Satan's plan, which is contrary to God's plan, so in child rearing, there is a false happiness in freedom from parental instruction and control. Our children by nature are continually seeking that false happiness. They naturally seek to break outside the boundaries of obedience. Our duty as parents is to do everything we possibly can to train them to find true happiness within the boundaries of obedience to their parents. This training is what will help them as adults to find happiness in obedience to God's laws.

God has entrusted our children to us so we can participate in this training experience. This job He has given us helps us understand the plan of salvation more fully. It is a difficult job in many respects. It takes a lot of energy and diligence. We are continually faced with the temptation to give in to our children's natural drive to find happiness outside of obedience to the rules set up for their own good. But God will give us strength to persevere in training our children to obey.

The Bible contains much instruction for parents in their special task of training their children.

In Proverbs 22:15 we read, “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of correction will drive it far from him.”

In this text, we are made aware of the basic problem in every child, which is a foolish heart that seeks after what is wrong. We are given the solution to this problem, which is the rod of correction. We must discipline our children for their own good, or else this foolishness will continue to plague them for the rest of their lives.

Here is some more counsel from the Word of God: “Do not withhold correction from a child, For if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod, And deliver his soul from hell.” Proverbs 23:13,14.

Here we see that discipline is actually connected with the eternal salvation of our children. If we neglect proper discipline, we are endangering their eternal destiny!

What are the results of good discipline? “The rod and rebuke give wisdom, But a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. Correct your son, and he will give you rest; Yes, he will give delight to your soul.” Proverbs 29:15, 17

Chastening or disciplining our children is truly the way of love. It will bring happiness to our child, and to us as well.

How important is it for parents to insist on obedience through persevering discipline? Listen to this strong text, in various versions:

Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. Proverbs 19:18 KJV

Discipline your children while there is hope. If you don't, you will ruin their lives. NLT Proverbs 19:18

Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death. NIV Proverbs 19:18

Again, we see that discipline is the way to true lasting happiness for the child. There will be pain involved at the time, for it is painful to put to death the sinful nature. The child needs our help in this experience. They NEED us to discipline them, for their own future happiness.

It is hard for us to discipline, especially if we have an indulgent spirit like Eli had. This indulgent spirit causes us to give in to their cries, and give them what they want, even if it increases their selfishness and disobedience. We need the Lord's help and strength to die to that indulgent spirit, for it will eventually destroy our child.

We have also been given much wise counsel in the Spirit of Prophecy on training our children. Every parent should diligently study the book Child Guidance . We are told that “Children will be happier, far happier, under proper discipline, than if left to do as their untrained impulses suggest. Prompt and continual obedience to wise parental rule will promote the happiness of the children themselves, as well as the honor of God and the good of society.” Child Guidance, page 79.

This training of prompt and continual obedience is to begin in babyhood, before they can even reason. (Child Guidance, page 82) Not even once is the child to be allowed to disobey without correction (Child Guidance, page 83) What does that mean in practical terms? It means that the parent will follow up on every command, to make sure it is carried out. Not even one time should a child get away with deliberate disobedience. To “get away” with it means there are no consequences. They simply continue to disobey, and nothing is done. This is teaching the child to disobey. This is betraying the trust God has given us in raising our children.

The consequences for disobedience must be such that the parents will stop the disobedience from continuing. A baby can be physically restrained. This takes effort and perseverance. It's far more convenient to ignore them, and let them disobey without consequences. But if it is allowed to continue, the next stage will be more difficult. If disobedience is allowed when they are young, the next age level becomes much harder on both the parent and child. If it continues, at last there comes the time where there is no hope for the parent to restrain the rebellious and wayward child, who is doomed to a miserable life, and most likely to eternal damnation.

So, God warns us, do whatever it takes when they're young, the sooner the better, to teach our children obedience. That's the parent's job. If our child is disobedient, it reflects on the parents failure to carry out his duty. It weakens our testimony to the world. That's why the Bible states that church leaders especially must have their children in subjection to them.

Notice this strong counsel: “Your children, that are under your control, should be made to mind you. Your word should be their law . Many Christian parents fail to command their children after them, and then wonder that their children are perverse, disobedient, unthankful, and unholy. Such parents are under the rebuke of God. They have neglected to bring their children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord…In the strength of God, parents must arise and command their households after them.” Child Guidance, page 87.

This “arise and command” counsel is difficult for us! We want to stay seated and call out orders, and then let them disobey, without arising to make sure they follow the orders! But God will give us the strength to “arise” so that we can follow through on our commands. The moment our little baby toddles one step further than our command allows, we must arise and restrain them. If they resist and rebel, there must be consequences appropriate for their age.

Another important principle in child training is that we are not to let them have the upper hand, and we are not to give in to their crying. “One precious lesson which the mother will need to repeat again and again is that the child is not to rule; he is not the master, but her will and her wishes are to be supreme. Thus she is teaching them self-control.” Child Guidance, page 92. Just because our precious baby wants something is no reason to give in to their demands. Yes, we love to give our children good things to make them happy. They reach out for pretty, interesting and tasty things, and many of these things we can give them. But there are some things they should not have. They must learn that their desires cannot always be fulfilled. Teaching them to happily take NO for an answer is part of the training God wants us to give them.

What should we not give our children? Obviously, we shouldn't give them anything that will harm them. We also shouldn't give them valuable things that they could break, because that teaches them to be destructive. (Child Guidance, page 102) They should be taught that they are not to destroy the property of others or handle it without permission.

Now this is very important: Children should not be given anything for which they are crying. “Give them nothing for which they cry, even if your tender heart desires ever so much to do this; for if they gain the victory once by crying they will expect to do it again. The second time the battle will be more vehement.” Child Guidance, page 92.

Generally, a child will not cry for something unless it is intentionally withheld from him. If you have said NO , and the child cries, you must make SURE that you don't give in to his cries. If another child has a toy, and your child wants to play with it, don't ever let their crying for the toy be rewarded. If they are young enough, they can be distracted. If they are old enough, they can be taught to ask with a smile even before they can talk. Then the other child can choose to share. If they choose not to share, your child can be taught to accept a NO happily.

This takes a lot of work, but it can be done by repeating the lesson over and over. Parents just make it harder on themselves if they reward their child's crying. There will come a time when the crying can't be rewarded, and the child will be very miserable and upset. This unhappiness comes as a result of the parent neglecting her duty when the child was younger. Rewarding selfishness instills it in the character.

In summary, we all want our children to be happy. True happiness comes through learning obedience, especially at a very young age. While we want to show love for our children, “the love that leads parents to indulge their children in unlawful desires is not a love that will work for their good.” Child Guidance, page 271. If a parent says NO to a child because they are misbehaving, or acting selfishly, and then gives in to that child, that is not love at all. It actually is the opposite of love.

“Parents, make home happy for your children. By this I do not mean that you are to indulge them. The more they are indulged, the harder they will be to manage, and the more difficult it will be for them to live true, noble lives when they go out into the world…Teach them to obey. Let them see that your authority must be respected. This may seem to bring them a little unhappiness now, but it will save them from much unhappiness in the future. To indulge a child when young and erring is a sin. A child should be kept under control.” Child Guidance, page 272

Yes, it's easier to indulge our children, to give them what they want when they cry or whine, to let them disobey after we have given them a command. It's easier to ignore and excuse misbehavior. It's easier now, and they may seem happier now if we indulge them. But isn't that Satan's plan for all of us? It's easier to give in to our carnal natures now than to die to self. We can have lots of worldly fun in disobeying God's commands. But in the end, there is death. Let's not cause our precious children to lose their souls because it's easier to let them have their own way when they are under our care. May God give us the strength to train up our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord!

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