Dangerous Friendships

He was close to my age, single and very friendly. We were childhood neighbors. When we met again after years of separation, it was as if we were long-lost friends. We found opportunities to communicate freely and openly. Because of our common childhood experiences, I felt comfortable confiding in him.

My friend and I communicated deeply and intensely about spiritual issues. We talked about God, and about the high ideals for marriage and family. We shared Bible texts, spiritual books and lofty concepts. Most of the sharing was done over the phone. I felt safe, invincible. This was innocent, even godly, I thought. I was learning, growing. I was witnessing. I considered our friendship innocent and beneficial.

Nevertheless, to be able to communicate that openly and intimately with someone of the opposite sex who also very much enjoyed the communication created a strong and dangerous bond. We tried to deny that we were emotionally involved with each other. But our attraction for each other kept increasing. He was like my counselor. I could talk about anything with him. I felt accepted and loved. This was new, this was exciting. This is what I had longed for in my marriage.

After a few months of this very enjoyable experience of communicating with my friend, I finally had to face the fact that I was strongly romantically attracted to him. But it seemed so innocent. We were not sexually involved with each other. I tried to rationalize and reason that it was perfectly all right to have a close friend of the opposite sex.

During this time my marriage was deteriorating. I confided in my friend about my disappointment and feelings of rejection. I actually began to consider the possibility of leaving my husband for this man. I reasoned, hadn't Rich broken the marriage vow, choosing to end our marriage? And since Rich wasn't meeting my expectations in the area of intimacy, I told myself that our reconciliation hadn't been completed. Therefore, I concluded I had the option of making the decision to end the marriage.

But when I was truly honest with myself before God, I knew in my heart that this relationship was wrong. The pull was too strong, too overpowering to be wholesome. I could not seem to find the strength to discontinue my emotional involvement and intimate communication with my friend. I resisted the counsel of my friends. I kept justifying my feelings and actions. But yet I was not at peace in my heart. I prayed, I struggled, I agonized, I cried.

Yet, in all of this, Satan kept getting me to focus on my deep desire to be loved. God's love, which is unconditional, perseveres regardless if all the needs and desires are met. But human love longs for a response, and has all kinds of expectations. When these expectations are not met, human love wears thin. I should have taken my insecurity and needy vulnerability to God and asked Him to meet my needs. He would have showered His love on me and made me feel accepted and special if I would have turned to Him in my pain. But I foolishly took the bait Satan offered.

God has set the boundaries around the marriage as a sacred circle. He has warned us never to confide in a friend of the opposite sex regarding our marital difficulties. He has told us that our hearts are to be the grave for our spouse's faults. He knows the dangers and He loves us and wants to protect us. Only God's true love can bring true happiness and fulfillment. Unlawful affection and romantic involvement is a detour that leads to destruction. But the scary part is that is takes you through a land of abounding and ecstatic temporary happiness.

It is very dangerous to nurture an emotional closeness with someone who is of the opposite sex. Even a very secure marriage will have a difficult time standing up under the temptation if one of the partners is experiencing emotional bonding with, or physical affection from someone of the opposite sex. The feelings become so overwhelming that they eventually will take full control if the process is not stopped.

I realize now that I was believing some of the lies Satan was telling me. That is what held me so strongly in his grasp. I actually believed for a while that it would be spiritually more beneficial for me to leave Rich and be with my friend. Since this friend and I had achieved a closeness that Rich and I had not been able to, I actually believed God had provided this relationship for me as my reward. I thought if I turned away from this relationship, I would perhaps be passing by my one chance in a lifetime to experience true happiness. This shows how powerful Satan's deception can be. If we listen to his lies long enough, we actually start to believe them, as crazy as they are.

Thank God, my Christian friends were praying for me. I was praying too, and I was not giving up on my struggle for victory. Finally, through some godly counseling, meetings at a spiritual retreat, and reading some excellent books, God was able to give me the strength to make the final decision to cut off this unhealthy relationship. It was a painful and difficult process but I was determined and God gave me the strength.

Infatuation, as it is being used here, could be defined as being strongly emotionally, romantically, or sexually drawn to someone who is not your spouse. We are dealing only in the context of morally unlawful relationships: married people being infatuated with someone other than their spouse, or a single person being infatuated with a married person. The reason that we can call this infatuation and not true, God-ordained love is because true love always is in harmony with God's perfect will. Satan is the source of infatuation. God would never place true romantic love in the heart of a married person for someone who is not his spouse.

Infatuation is not something to be taken lightly. It is one of Satan's most powerful and effective temptations. The very word connotes a type of insanity or foolishness. It is a foolish deception because that for which we are seeking, which is true unconditional, committed love, is not what we are going to find. An infatuated person cannot clearly discern reality, but enters into a fantasy world. Yet the infatuated one may think he is the only sane one around.

An infatuated person closes his mind, or at least he tries to. He is not generally open to counsel. He is determined to do it his way. He truly believes that he has discovered something so very wonderful that it is worth giving up all that he would have previously considered valuable. Spouse, family, children, jobs, reputation, possessions, church affiliation and even his relationship with God are all considered of less value than this new treasure he has discovered.

It seems like such a powerful and even spiritual love, that it is hard to realize that it comes straight from Satan. An infatuated person may believe he or she is experiencing a profound spiritual awakening, reaching a new spiritual dimension. It shows how intense the deception is. Remember Eve in the Garden? Her "eyes were opened" and she thought she was entering a higher plane of spiritual understanding. We simply cannot trust our feelings.

Infatuation is an extremely consuming emotional experience and it creates a euphoria that is powerful and deceptive. Satan is capable of causing us to experience some incredibly intense feelings. If an infatuated person consults his feelings alone, he will become controlled by those feelings. Any individuals who find themselves in this situation would do well to call upon their spiritual friends to help in offering up earnest and persevering prayer to free them from this trap. The people involved often do not have the will to pray because they are controlled by the deception.

Satan is a master at fostering a special closeness and deep emotional intimacy in an unlawful relationship. This incredibly wonderful feeling seems much superior to anything you have ever before experienced. Satan makes you feel that this relationship is the ultimate plane in the realm of ecstatic love. He tells you that this is what God wants for you, and that you would be a fool to turn away from this relationship.

Satan keeps you in the trap of infatuation by telling you lies. And then he gets you to repeat them over and over to yourself. He tells you that you are so happy and that you are really doing yourself a favor by pursuing this relationship. And when we listen to these lies and repeat them to ourselves, we become self-hypnotized, as it were.

With Satan's attack on marriages, and with our increased focus on our needs and rights and desires in our relationships, we are very vulnerable to his trap of infatuation. None of us is exempt. None of us can break the rules and escape unscathed. Each one of us needs to watch and pray continually that we may not fall into temptation. Satan has a specially designed temptation for each one of us with our specific weaknesses.

If we are discontented with our spouse, and have a list of grievances, we should take note and beware. We are not following the way of love. We are bringing unhappiness upon ourselves.

Sometimes we believe that the only way we can ever be happy in our marriage is if our spouse will change to measure up to our expectations. If he or she offends us, or doesn't meet our needs, or isn't spiritual enough, or doesn't look right, or earn enough money, and so on, we are miserable. It's all our spouse's fault that we are unhappy, we think. And then we reason that we must adjust circumstances in order to be happy.

When we enter into this line of selfish reasoning, we take our life out of God's hands. We do this by withholding our love and affection from our spouse, and by transferring our attentions and affections to another.

God's love is unconditional. He doesn't give up on us. When we come to Him and experience His love for us, He pours out His love into our hearts so that we can then have the same kind of love for our spouse that God has for us. All we need to do is ask Him. And ask, and ask and keep on asking. If you do not have this love for your spouse, you are inviting Satan to destroy your peace and make you vulnerable to his deceptions.

The way Satan deceives us is to tell us lies. We need so much to listen to God's truth and not the lies Satan tries to tell us, such as:

I married the wrong person.

I've tried to love my spouse, but I can't.

My spouse and I will never be happy together.

I would be much happier if I married someone else.

My spouse and I are incompatible.

My spouse does not meet my needs.

God wants me to be happy, so I'm going to divorce my spouse.

I am in love with someone else.

My spouse has hurt me too deeply for me to forgive.

Our marriage is beyond hope.

When we believe Satan's lies, we can do some very strange rationalizing. Satan's lies cause us to lose our focus on God and His truth. We lose God's vision for our purpose in life. We start thinking in a self-centered and destructive manner. We begin to focus on the gratification of our own desires. And we let Satan tell us that it is God's will for us to please ourselves. And so we justify our actions in a very self-righteous manner.

Marriage is a wonderful opportunity to strengthen our characters and lead us into total dependence upon God for godly attitudes and unwavering commitment. The cowards want out when they hurt and their selfish interests are not being met; the courageous and faithful remain true even when the going gets tough.

Our strength of marital commitment must come from God. As we comprehend the depth of His unfailing commitment to us, realizing that He never gives up on us or turns away, no matter how far gone we might be, it brings a responding commitment from us. We know we can only experience an unwavering commitment to our marriage relationship by the grace and power of God. It is a godly characteristic to stay committed to the marriage in the face of rejection and emotional abuse. But God will give us that commitment if we are willing.

When our marriages become painful and full of disappointment, and we allow ourselves to dwell upon our misfortune, we become very vulnerable. The apathy and lack of commitment to our marriage relationship fosters a very dangerous situation that makes us ripe for the deception of infatuation.

Satan can tell what our attitudes are. He knows when we have given up on our marriages, or when we are so discontent that we would readily give up if we had a good enough reason. He's an excellent matchmaker. He knows just who will click with us. So he scouts around and brings Mr. or Miss Wonderful right into our path. Don't think it's just coincidental. The master deceiver has it all planned out.

This new relationship appears to be the prefect solution to our unhappy marriage. It happens so innocently and insidiously that it is often the case that people do not understand what has come over them. Strange reasoning and rationalization takes place until some people may come to the point of believing that this is God's solution for their unhappiness. Or, if they are not quite that deceived, they at least tell themselves that God will just look the other way while they get everything arranged to their liking and then they will get right with Him again. And with their vigorous mental gymnastics, soon they are justifying themselves and extremely defensive toward anyone who challenges their thinking.

Infatuation is a manipulation of your emotions by Satan. A relationship in which you feel pulled and drawn against your better judgment and against your moral principles is not a good, healthy relationship. The pull is a weapon in Satan's hands to destroy you. True love is a choice, which takes logic, reason and moral principles into thoughtful consideration. Infatuation is an overwhelming pull that leaves you no choice. You become a slave to your own emotions. Even if you give in to the pull and are enjoying the strong feelings, you are still a slave. You may think you are in control but it is a deception. The uncontrollable pull and those overwhelming feelings are not desirable in any relationship. You have become a puppet if you are following your impulses over your reason. And you know that is not a healthy emotional situation.

How can you know if you're on the road to marital infidelity? Can you relate to any of these experiences?

There is someone of the opposite sex who you find quite interesting and attractive.

You find that you enjoy conversing with this individual more than you do with others.

You find that you have a lot of things in common with this person.

You find or make opportunities to be around him/her.

You become aware that you are developing a special friendship with this person.

You assure yourself that this friendship is totally acceptable and beneficial, and that it is enriching your life.

You find yourself to be more "alive", animated and happy when you are in the company of your friend.

After talking with or spending time around this person, you have a warm, happy feeling.

If you are a spiritual person, you share spiritual thoughts with your friend, and feel that this is a spiritually beneficial relationship.

You find that you prefer to relate to this person on a one-on-one basis.

You find yourself thinking about your friend even when you are not in his/her presence.

You think of things you would like to talk about and share with your friend the next time you see him/her.

You think of various activities that you would enjoy in the company of your friend.

You find that you enjoy your friend's companionship more than you do your spouse's.

You begin comparing your friend with your spouse.

You are or become discontented with your marriage relationship.

You begin thinking about your friend during intimate moments with your spouse.

You find yourself opening up and sharing your inner emotions with your friend.

Other people begin to be concerned about this relationship that is developing.

You continue to tell yourself and others that this friendship is OK, you can handle it.

You find yourself a bit annoyed and resistive to other's concern and counsel.

You feel that others cannot possibly understand this friendship, so they really can't advise you.

You soothe your conscience by telling yourself that you have no intentions of committing adultery or divorcing your spouse, but you just happen to have a special friend.

You find yourself wanting to be close physically to this person, and rationalize this feeling as acceptable.

You think of ways to show this person that he/she is special to you: a special smile, a knowing look, kind attentions, small tokens of affection.

You begin to feel trapped in your marriage, and feel that your spouse and you haven't shared the special closeness you have with this friend.

If you find yourself involved in a friendship that is characterized by even a few of the above descriptions, you are definitely heading down a dangerous road. You are not unique, my friend. Your experience is not a rare, incomprehensible one that "nobody else can understand." Many, oh far too many, have traveled down this road before you, and have found themselves bruised and broken on the rocks at the bottom. It seems like such a lovely journey, a delightfully pleasurable experience, but "There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death." (Prov 14:12)

Consider this: When you married your spouse, you promised before God to forsake all others, and keep yourself only for your spouse, that he or she should be the sole recipient of your eros or romantic affections. This means more than just sexual love; this includes the male/female bonding of companionship and shared emotions.

If you have since developed a male/female relationship that includes a one-on-one camaraderie and personal sharing of your emotions, then you are already outside the boundary God designed for marriage. Your marriage vow is being violated, and your conscience is being numbed. By continuing this involvement, you are incapacitating your mind for clear thinking and reasoning. And if you find yourself discontented with your marriage, and even hinting or outright expressing this fact to your friend, you are on positively dangerous ground. In your vulnerable state, you simply cannot afford a close friendship with another of the opposite sex.

Jesus, our precious Redeemer, knows our danger as humans. He gives us straightforward counsel when we are faced with a potentially dangerous temptation: "You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell." (Matthew 5:27-30)

Jesus is warning us, and pleading with us to avoid any potential danger. If you are attracted to or emotionally bonded with one who is not your spouse, Jesus would urge you,--cut off the relationship, sever it completely! No relationship is worth running the risk of losing your eternal life. If any relationship stands in the way of your 100% commitment to the pure and holy principles of God's kingdom, you are putting your own will before God's will. If you break one of God's laws, you are guilty of breaking them all, separating yourself from God.

God's moral law is for our own benefit and protection. When we esteem a human relationship higher than our relationship with God, we are idolaters. When we even think longingly about physical or emotional intimacy with one not our spouse, we are committing adultery. When we desire a relationship that is not morally lawful, we are coveting. When we reserve romantic affection for another than our spouse, we are stealing from our spouse. When we encourage someone to have unlawful affection for us, we are defrauding and harming him or her as well. We are responsible if we encourage another to sin in desiring a romantic relationship with us. And if we have crossed the boundaries of appropriate relationships, we are hurting all of our brothers and sisters by our example.

Dear friend, are you willing to give up the relationship that is pulling on your heartstrings? Yes, it will require a struggle. Satan will bombard you with an abundance of reasons, justifications and rationalizations why you really don't need to give it up.

But God is able to empower your will, and make you willing to give it up to Jesus. He is the only One who can pull your feet out of the miry clay, and set you upon a solid rock, establishing your steps in safe paths.

Here are some spiritual strategies that you would be wise to implement in this intense spiritual battle:

1. Pray for romantic aversion between you and your special friend. (Genesis 3:15)

2. Pray for a one-flesh bonding between you and your spouse. (Matthew 19:5,6)

3. Deliberately avoid all unnecessary interaction between you and your friend.

4. Intensify your efforts to restore a healthy marriage relationship.

The way to be free from the tremendous power of ungodly emotional entanglement is to tell yourself the truth, allowing God to reprogram your mind with the truth. Jesus has provided you with the POWER to be free from the shackles of sin in your life! Believe that He is giving you the victory. Claim His promises for power over infatuation.

If you choose to receive the mind of Christ, beholding the purity, self-sacrifice and holiness of Jesus, He will transform your mind and sanctify your affections. He will reward your obedience. You will be released from the bondage of unlawful affection. God will set you free to love your lawful spouse as He designs that you should love. He will give you a sense of acceptance and security so that you are not dependent upon the affection of another human. Those strong longings for the companionship of your friend will fade away. You will find your romantic attraction to your spouse increasing. Your spiritual discernment will be restored, and you will praise God for rescuing you from the path of destruction.

Dear friend, God is trustworthy! Your only safety is in walking in God's counsel without delay. May God give you courage and strength to defy the enemy of your soul!

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