Considering Divorce?

In many marriages, one partner says these words while the other partner receives the news with a breaking heart. What has brought on this desire to end the marriage? It may seem like a solution to many problems. But a person needs to do some serious introspection, as well as exploring all the ramifications and how it will affect everyone involved. Are you willing to ask yourself some hard questions?

Why do I want a divorce?

Unhappiness?

Anger – lack of forgiveness?

Loneliness, incompatibility, lack of intimacy?

Found someone more attractive

Bored with the marriage, want more excitement

Do I blame my spouse for my emotions, or am I willing to take responsibility for them?

Do I recognize my selfishness, my heartlessness, and my irresponsibility in my decision?

What do I hope to accomplish by this divorce?

How do I think the divorce will affect my spouse?

How do I feel about how it will affect my other family members & friends.

How do I think this will affect my reputation, and how people respect me?

How do I think this will affect my eternal destiny?

How do I think this will make me a better person?

Am I willing to break my promise to God? Do I think He will care?

Have I explored all the options that will help improve my marriage?

Have I been honest and open in my communication with my spouse?

Important Considerations When Considering Separation or Divorce

When a marriage has deteriorated to the point where one of the partners wants out of the relationship, some serious considerations are in order. While marriage is a partnership, the decision of one of the partners is all it takes to dissolve that bond. So the partner who is choosing to terminate the marriage needs to first ask himself/herself some soul-searching questions. Here is a sampling of these questions:

•  Upon what was my commitment to the relationship based, my promise of loyalty before God, or the behavior of my spouse?

•  Do I take my vows seriously, or have I been led into thinking that my commitment is based on the performance of my spouse and my satisfaction regarding the circumstances of my life?

•  Do I grasp the full extent of my promise before God to remain faithful to my spouse for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, in prosperity and adversity? Am I willing to break my promise to God?

•  Have I gone against the counsel of God in considering divorce as an option because of my own unhappiness?

•  Have I done everything that I could do to make our home a place of happiness, kind words and affection?

•  Have I done what I could to nurture my affection for my spouse, regardless of how I have been treated?

•  Have I indulged in a complaining spirit, an argumentative attitude, various negative behaviors or self-pity?

•  Have I withdrawn my affection for my spouse, and directed my interests elsewhere?

•  Have I been comparing my spouse unfavorably with others of the opposite sex?

•  Have I complained to someone of the opposite sex about my unhappiness in my marriage?

•  Have I given my spouse reasons to be unhappy with my behavior?

If, in asking yourself these questions, you come to the realization that you have not been putting forth the necessary effort to make your marriage the best it could be, regardless of how your spouse responds, then you are out of line in considering a divorce. A separation can be beneficial only if it meets these criteria:

•  The separation is to provide space so the partners can refocus their attention on God and spiritual disciplines.

•  The separation allows room to work on personal problems that will improve the marriage relationship.

•  The separation facilitates the nurturing of kindness and consideration for the partner.

•  The separation helps the couple work on communication and other problem areas.

•  The partners are willing to “date” and restore the romance in their marriage.

•  All thoughts of discontent, dissatisfaction and complaint are put away.

•  Another person of the opposite sex is not allowed into the sacred circle, sharing confidences and emotions.

•  The separation includes a willingness to change on the part of both spouses.

There is a serious problem if one of the partners hardens his or her heart, and begins to say things like:

I'm not going to put up with that any more;

I refuse to tolerate that any longer;

I'm sick and tired of living that way, so I'm leaving;

I want to move on with my life;

God wants me to be happy, so I must do this,

I'm through with the marriage, etc.

This serious problem of closing the door of the heart blocks God from bringing about the changes necessary to restore the marriage. A marriage on the rocks needs healing in the hearts of both parties. No one should ever run from a marriage relationship. There may be times when one has to walk sadly away from a marriage relationship because the spouse is choosing a lifestyle of unfaithfulness or physical abuse. But to run away because of unhappy circumstances is a sign of immaturity and unwillingness to following God's plan for restoration of the marriage.

Christians who are desirous of being in harmony with the will of God must be willing to yield their wills to Him. There is no room for self-will, of consulting our emotions, or pushing through with our plans regardless of biblical counsel. We do not have the option as Christians of doing things our way, and then maneuvering God into approving of our self-willed actions. All our rationalization of our pain and suffering, and our overwhelming desire to escape our unhappiness by running from our marriage cannot fix our problem. Our real problem lies in an unwillingness to submit wills to God, and let Him deal with our spouse and our circumstances in His time and His way. He is ready and eager to give us peace and contentment even in the most trying circumstances if we are willing.

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